The word “always” is overused. But in this context, it’s accurate. I’ve always been the good girl.

I was a quiet toddler at home, giving my mom no problems. I did what the teachers asked me. I was their pet. At my father’s urgings, I studied at a prestigious (and expensive) liberal arts college. I listened to the people around me and did what they advised and basked in their praise.

And two years ago, I realized that I was miserable; that I no longer knew what made me happy. I spent my life trying so hard to please people around me, I didn’t really know me anymore. I was a exoskeleton of a human.

Enough. I’m now looking within myself, trying to coax out the curious child who lives with zest. The creature with vivid dreams and an uncompromising spirit.

The ideal life

As part of this pursuit to manifest the most of our lives, Burton and I decided to move from the metropolitan DC area to a rural town in New Hampshire.

We think this will enable us to spend more time doing things we love and less time hustling for our work.

This decision has been an interesting experience for me. It’s relatively unconventional and all our loved ones are telling us not to do it. We are moving into a place with a bad economy. The town we will be in is corrupt. We don’t have job security. What if we hate the cold? What if the old house we buy sucks up all our money?

Fear

One thing I’ve come to realize is that there are two things that hold me back: Fear and complacency.

This move is our attempt to surpass our complacency and to live an intentional life.

But this move generates so much fear. We are leaving the life we know now and going into an unknown.

We took steps to mitigate the risks– we’ve visited the communities, reached out to people to see if we fit in, evaluated finances over and over; After much thought we’ve decided that we are willing to assume these risks for the chance to chase a dream for a more meaningful life. Of course there are many ways towards meaningful, but this is the path we chose to follow. And it’s hard listening to our loved ones with their fear, unable to comprehend our dreams and hopes. It also feeds my own doubt.

I’m also scared. But this time, I choose to listen to myself and to take a risk.